Thursday, April 24, 2008

New Race Annoucement

Dog Crap Gran Prix.
Date: 5-11-08

Location: Somewhere in Livermore, same location as next year.
(Directions to race venue equal to VP)

Start Time: Some time after 8:00 AM

Course: Worst Gawdamn Roads we can find in Livermore. We will be sure to include rail crossings, or manufacture some if none available. Worse case scenario we will add some sand in the corners just so that the racers are in familiar surroundings.
Mostly we will have some dog owners wander around with their pets the day before and where ever the bombs land we will put up some cones to create a course.

Prize List: Recycled Velo Promo t-shirts and expired Taco Bell coupons (you should feel right at home, you do keep saying you don't care about prizes). Maybe we will through some Skittles at you too...if we can find some coupons for Skittles in time.

Race Fee: $15.00 (you want cheap, how is that?)
We could go less, but the coupons will be removed from the prize list.

To register: Show up, and look for the tent manned by the uninformed 13 year old who looks like he would rather be at the skate board park then dealing with you asking bunch of questions.

Don't give us any grief at registration, despite what any of the signs say, we reserve the right to interpret them differently every 5 minutes. We also reserve the right to yell at you in a demeaning way when you can't read our mind or our vague and barely discernible instructions.

Number Pinning: We know what side the number will go on, but we ain't tellin you. We certainly are not going to let the 13 year old at registration know. But damn it, you very well better show up to the line with your number on the correct side! If not, we hired the Chinese Nazi official to yell at you like your are some kind of idiot who barely deserves to be allowed to even start the race. We don't care that you work for NASA and are a PhD. in some form of scientific discipline that we can neither pronounce or spell. You are just bike racing scum when you show up to the start line...and you will like it.

Wheel Pit: Wheels in/Wheels out. As in you put the wheels in, and someone else will take them out (and sell them at their garage sale next week).

So there you have it, all the elements of the races that everyone seems to be so fond of.
I expect full fields, and plenty of ass kissing gratitude for putting on the race.

Added after comment posted:
If you are really seeing this post as a rant rather than a joke, you might want to back off on the coffee and switch to Vino.
I thought that would have been clear by the fact that I took things to the ridiculous extreme.

Well, maybe not that extreme.


Blogger alicat said...

Your childish antics remind me of the 12 year-olds who I teach every day. Your need to rant both here and on the NCNCA forum truly mystifies me. You don't like VP races? Don't race them. It's really simple. Just don't race them. There are races all over the state, all over the West coast, and all over the country every single weekend. Choose other ones to race. What more needs to be said? You've made your point and by writing this post, you've satisfied a need to have the last word. I'll be shocked if you ever again show up at VP races since they clearly run against all of your core values. Stick to your values and don't race VP. I'll stick to mine and will continue to respect and admire Bob for his unyielding love for the sport which outdates mine by decades. I promise not to try to persuade you to change your values, as long as you do the same for me.


1:34 PM  
Blogger Nome Agusta said...

It appears we have ruffled the feathers of some local folks.
Particularly one's who have feathers.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Nome Agusta said...

I do have a question, assuming that there will actually be someone reading it.

Who's blog is this?

3:47 PM  
Blogger Nome Agusta said...

One more question:
How is insulting someone on their own blog even remotely respectful?

3:50 PM  

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